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Getting Worse - WARNING! A lot of whining
Oct. 6th, 2006 09:46 amFuck. This is shaping up to be the worst Christmas Season ever.
Physically, I'm already feeling far worse than usual. I am seriously fatigued, barely able to move some days. And at the same time I feel so very wired, twitchy, irritable and on-edge. I've managed to develop a tremor as well, no idea what from. It's like having all the bad parts of being stoned or on massive doses of caffiene, without the benefits of either. This is nothing new, and is pretty typical for this time of year. Something to do with the weather change, less light, and all the fucking allergens.
Unfortunately, nothing I do about it is helping. I've dropped most of the prescription drugs I used to use because I was getting nothing from them but side effects. The Depo-Medrol appears to have triggered a serious weight gain without doing jack shit about my allergies, they're just as bad whether I'm on it or not. The Modafinil is making me twitchy without keeping me any more awake and focussed. Only the Levothyroxine seems to be having any useful effect at all, but I've had to double the dosage on that, and it's exacerbating my migraines.
I havn't been able to find a single migraine medication that does not cause side effects worse than the migraine. And the various sleeping pills have either not done a damn thing, or only given me raging headaches.
And, of course, the docs don't listen when I tell them any of this. They have no fucking clue what's going on, and I've had three different docs tell me three different things. So far the only solutions have been to throw more expensive drugs at the problem, which doesn't seem to do a damn thing. One says I have X problem, so I should take this drug, which doesn't help at all. Another says - No, it's clearly Y problem, so I should take an entirely different set of drugs, which just make the problem worse. A third says that it doesn't look like there's much of a problem at all, probably just psychological, so here's another drug which should cure all your problems; but, of course, he doesn't bother to pay much attention to my medical history or notice 1) all my allergies or 2)that i've already been down that route and found that the drugs didn't do shit.
The only even remotely useful thing I've been told by a doc so far is to stick with the cannabis, if it's helping. Right. Well, yeah, it's helping a little, but it's impossible to get, and I have the feeling that even if I could, it wouldn't work any better than anything else; particularly since it's been over 6 months since I've actually touched the stuff, and I doubt I'm going to be getting more anytime soon. Been without for far longer than this, but I wasn't in such bad shape at the time either.
It doesn't help that it appears that my worst allergies are coming from my place of employment. I start sneezing my head off as soon as I show up in the morning, and spend the day sneezing and itching like hell. I think there's something in the ventilation system that's really fucking with me; but of course no one else gives a shit.
I'm getting far more of the disabling stomachaches than I typically do, and nothing seems to touch them. It used to be that a single glass of wine would, if not get rid of them entirely, then mellow them out enough that I could function or sleep normally. Not anymore. Even half a fucking bottle has no effect other than making me unpleasantly drunk (and I really fucking hate being drunk).
Been off everything except for the Levothyroxine for two weeks now, with the exception of one night drinking to try and control a truly horrific stomachache. I'm not coping well with anything; and have definitely alienated at least two friends now, which is just making everything worse. Fuck. I don't kow what to do, 'cause it looks like I'm not going to make it through this holiday season.
And I still have to deal with family. One of the worst, most stressful things I can deal with. And there's no way in hell I could get out of it unless I was hospitalized at the time. Which I very well may be this year.
Not like anyone actually gives a shit how I feel about it, as long as I show up and act like everything is just fucking peachy.
Physically, I'm already feeling far worse than usual. I am seriously fatigued, barely able to move some days. And at the same time I feel so very wired, twitchy, irritable and on-edge. I've managed to develop a tremor as well, no idea what from. It's like having all the bad parts of being stoned or on massive doses of caffiene, without the benefits of either. This is nothing new, and is pretty typical for this time of year. Something to do with the weather change, less light, and all the fucking allergens.
Unfortunately, nothing I do about it is helping. I've dropped most of the prescription drugs I used to use because I was getting nothing from them but side effects. The Depo-Medrol appears to have triggered a serious weight gain without doing jack shit about my allergies, they're just as bad whether I'm on it or not. The Modafinil is making me twitchy without keeping me any more awake and focussed. Only the Levothyroxine seems to be having any useful effect at all, but I've had to double the dosage on that, and it's exacerbating my migraines.
I havn't been able to find a single migraine medication that does not cause side effects worse than the migraine. And the various sleeping pills have either not done a damn thing, or only given me raging headaches.
And, of course, the docs don't listen when I tell them any of this. They have no fucking clue what's going on, and I've had three different docs tell me three different things. So far the only solutions have been to throw more expensive drugs at the problem, which doesn't seem to do a damn thing. One says I have X problem, so I should take this drug, which doesn't help at all. Another says - No, it's clearly Y problem, so I should take an entirely different set of drugs, which just make the problem worse. A third says that it doesn't look like there's much of a problem at all, probably just psychological, so here's another drug which should cure all your problems; but, of course, he doesn't bother to pay much attention to my medical history or notice 1) all my allergies or 2)that i've already been down that route and found that the drugs didn't do shit.
The only even remotely useful thing I've been told by a doc so far is to stick with the cannabis, if it's helping. Right. Well, yeah, it's helping a little, but it's impossible to get, and I have the feeling that even if I could, it wouldn't work any better than anything else; particularly since it's been over 6 months since I've actually touched the stuff, and I doubt I'm going to be getting more anytime soon. Been without for far longer than this, but I wasn't in such bad shape at the time either.
It doesn't help that it appears that my worst allergies are coming from my place of employment. I start sneezing my head off as soon as I show up in the morning, and spend the day sneezing and itching like hell. I think there's something in the ventilation system that's really fucking with me; but of course no one else gives a shit.
I'm getting far more of the disabling stomachaches than I typically do, and nothing seems to touch them. It used to be that a single glass of wine would, if not get rid of them entirely, then mellow them out enough that I could function or sleep normally. Not anymore. Even half a fucking bottle has no effect other than making me unpleasantly drunk (and I really fucking hate being drunk).
Been off everything except for the Levothyroxine for two weeks now, with the exception of one night drinking to try and control a truly horrific stomachache. I'm not coping well with anything; and have definitely alienated at least two friends now, which is just making everything worse. Fuck. I don't kow what to do, 'cause it looks like I'm not going to make it through this holiday season.
And I still have to deal with family. One of the worst, most stressful things I can deal with. And there's no way in hell I could get out of it unless I was hospitalized at the time. Which I very well may be this year.
Not like anyone actually gives a shit how I feel about it, as long as I show up and act like everything is just fucking peachy.
